Double Digits

Posted on May 29, 2012 by

Son is ten today.

He both is and is no longer

…the one year old that wouldn’t keep his birthday crown on his head long enough for me to get a picture.

…the two year old who’s dino birthday extravaganza was cancelled due to coxsackie virus. Ew.

…the three year old who just wanted trucks, trucks, and more trucks.

…the four year old who wanted a space ship. Or a mars rover. Because, you know, TRUCKS!

…the five year old whose pregnant mama got great party advice from a friend. “Just get a big thing of sidewalk chalk and let them draw all over the driveway.” Genius! What did they draw? Roads. For their TRUCKS.

…the six year old who’s new found love of All Things Military inspired a Revolutionary War party.

…the seven year old who thought a bowling party would be fun because the alley was on a real live working army base. And, you know, TANKS (which had officially replaced TRUCKS.)

…the eight year old who got to draw all over the living room walls with his friends because we were about to paint the room over. And then watched Star Wars.

…the nine year old who, in a new school, still managed to fill a lengthy guest list for a larger-than-advisable sleepover party.

Now you are ten. I facilitate your birthday parties now, but you plan them.

You’re growing up.

You no longer need to hold my hand when you cross the street. You make movies all on your own. You are simultaneously curious about and disgusted by romance. You’re starting to learn hard lessons about choices, and priorities, and immediate versus delayed gratification.

But you are also still quite young.

You can’t, for the life of you, remember to empty your pants pockets before you put them in the laundry bag. You still like us to read to you at bedtime. You still believe in Santa. And I think the tooth fairy, too. Even though we’ve been very inconsistent with “her visits.”

I love the little boy you were. And the young man you’re becoming.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

Posted in changes, kids | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Senior Hottie: Then and Now with Bonus Track ~ The Lost Years.

Posted on May 14, 2012 by

First, let me state for the record that, in my senior year in high school, while I may have been a bit of a dork…

Oh! Geesh! Are you taking MY picture?!?

I had a fairly neutral look. Especially for 1987.

Rehearsing Lucy in “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.”

In general, I kept it pretty classy. Ish.

Not so different from now. These are a few recent shots of me.

Still dorky.

Still neutral. I got that dress from Target nine years ago. Fad-free.

**But I can’t end the post there. That would be so boring.**

Let’s discuss what happened between “then” and “now.”

Namely, this:

List of offenses in the above pic:

  • Bangs.
  • Eyebrows.
  • Stupid look on my face.

I really went off the rails in college, folks. When I was old enough to know better.

I’m submitting a few pieces of evidence of my crimes de couture here for the jury’s perusal but my worst infractions remain undocumented.

I distinctly remember working a Bono-inspired hat-and-vest look for about six months.

Thanks for that, Bono.

Here’s a good one, though. Hot child in the city.

Girls on the town in NYC.

I spent an inordinate amount of time in leggings and oversized sweaters. I may have been overly concerned with my comfort.

This one is good, too.

Look. At. My. Hair.

We are clearly going out. Apparently we have something to celebrate. I mean, we’re drinking champagne! Duh!

I look like I just rolled out of bed.

And let’s zoom in a bit, shall we?

It’s hard to say because the pic quality is not the best but I believe…in my infinite fashion wisdom…I chose to layer my turtlenecks. Yes, plural.

Was the “linebacker look” a thing? Or did I unwittingly create it?

Bad as these pics are, I’m afraid they don’t begin to plumb the depths of my poor sartorial choices. (I blame the uniform. I never HAD to dress myself properly.)

Anyway…

One spring, my college boyfriend decided to make cutoff shorts out of a pair of his jeans. And I thought it would be a great idea to hand sew the parts he cutoff…at the knee…to a pair of my leggings. Can you see it? In your mind’s eye? Waist-to-knee was black wool leggings and knee-to-ankle was denim jeans leg.

Leave your size in the comments section and I’ll send you a pair for Christmas ;)

I have no idea how I got away with that shit. I must have been a great conversationalist.

Why did I feel the need to watermark some of these pictures! And the WORST ones at that!

The original pic of Bono and many more from that era of pure hotness are here.

Click the pic below to visit the rest of the Senior Hottie culprits. But empty your bladder first.

Posted in humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Progress

Posted on May 11, 2012 by

Back in October, I wrote a jokey post about my daughter’s first PreK art project. I laughed that perhaps she would find her strengths in gym because two ripped pieces of blue construction paper didn’t seem quite like a collage to me.

I’ve shared my anxieties here about how being the youngest in her class would affect her and my more recent concerns about how she’s getting on socially.

But, as we approach the end of her first year in school, my overall impression of her journey is one of awe. How much she’s grown and matured! How much more willing she is to listen to reason. What a little striver she’s becoming. How curious she is about these things called letters that, strung together, spell things called words that other people can understand without your having to explain.

And, y’all, she’s even showing progress in art!

(I drew the pathetic outline of a horse and she colored it in with colored pencils. I love all the movement and energy in her stroke. And she was very careful to stay in the lines! I find that neither good nor bad…just interesting.)

I’m totally framing this one!

I’ve noticed her growth gradually throughout the year, of course. It’s just nice to see it in black and white. And red. And yellow. And purple…

Posted in kids | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Endings?

Posted on May 8, 2012 by

I closed a show on Sunday.

The future of this theatre company (which I helped establish nine years ago and have been working for ever since) is unclear.

My future within that company is also unclear. Both in relation to and irrespective of the changes on its horizon.

I’m 43, most of my connections have left the business, I have no agent, and my family life requires that I stay in town. The acting jobs that keep you in town are, of course, the hardest ones to get.

The signs point to this as an ending.

roll creditsoriginal image source

But it doesn’t feel like one.

It feels like an opportunity.

An opportunity to do what? I don’t really know. The unknowns far outnumber the knowns at this point. If nothing else, it is an opportunity to embrace that fact. An opportunity to practice facing the unknown with a calm and open heart. An opportunity to accept fate’s outstretched hand and say, “Yes, I will dance with you again. You lead this time.” And at least attempt to follow fate’s touch with grace and agility and confidence.

I think we are dancing to this song. One of my favorites by the Beastie Boys.

It’s not so simple as I try to wish
But then again what is?
There is no other worthy quest
So on I go

~ RIP MCA ~

Posted in changes | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Words That Could Break a Mama’s Heart.

Posted on May 1, 2012 by

My 4 year old daughter was invited to a party this past weekend for one of her friends from school. She was so excited to go! Most of the kids in attendance were from her PreK class. When I dropped her off and picked her up she seemed very happy. But I just had this surprising conversation with her about it.

So, what did you do at the party after I left?

(shrugs)

Did you play in that playroom most of the time?

No. I a little bit played in the playroom but I was a little bit shy.

You felt shy?

(nods)

So what did you do?

I sat next to a big teddy bear.

Oh.

I was afraid if I asked to play with them they would say “no.”

Why would your friends not want to play with you?

I never got a real answer. She’s only 4. Sometimes she just doesn’t have the words.

I worry that Daughter is being excluded socially. This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered about it.

In the beginning of the year she bonded very quickly with one little girl who, by Christmas, had dropped her like a hot potato with no explanation. I tried not to read too much into it. And Daughter totally bounced. She never came home and cried to me about it. When I would ask if they were still friends she would say “yes.” Although it was clear to me that something had changed. She simply moved on. She grew friendships with other kids in the class. But there haven’t been any more “magical” connections.

When she tells me that at a party in a room filled with schoolmates, she is sitting alone in a corner next to a big stuffed teddy bear I just want to cry.

Daughter is no shrinking violet. While this isn’t the first time she’s mentioned feeling shy, she is typically pretty gregarious. And she has the capacity to bond. She has a very close friend who lives two doors down from us. Their birthdays are two days apart and they’re thick as thieves.

So I know she can do it. It’s just that, in school at least, she hasn’t. Maybe it’s just chemistry. Maybe it’s that she’s the youngest in her class. Maybe she has bonded with some of  her schoolmates and I’m just not seeing it!

original image source

What I fear, to be frank, is that she’s like her mom. I tend to hang back from the crowd. People think I’m aloof. I’m really just a bit insecure. I don’t want that for her. But I’m not in control on that one. I hate watching character traits that I don’t like about myself emerge in my children. Why can’t we just pass on the good stuff?

Linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out.

Posted in motherhood | Tagged , , , , , , | 27 Comments

A Punch in the Nose.

Posted on April 30, 2012 by

My nose, to be exact.

My already inexplicably sore nose. It was painful and a little swollen when I rolled out of bed on Thursday morning. I figured I had bonked it on something and hadn’t had the time or presence of mind to really register it. That has happened to me before with other body parts. (That’s normal, right?) I figured, in a few days, it would be fine.

Until later that day when, in the midst of one of her worst tantrums ever, my 4 year old daughter deliberately and wrathfully punched me square between my bespectacled eyes.

The reason for her tantrum was that I wouldn’t let her eat her Goldfish in the car on the way home from school. To be fair, that was a brand new rule. One she was not prepared for. I had made that rule up just that morning after spending 20 precious minutes (and $2.50) vacuuming ancient, ground-in goldfish crumbs from the floor and the backseats of our Subaru.

It takes 15 minutes to get home from school. I’m pretty sure she can go 15 minutes without Goldfish.

But she was distinctly UNsure. She laid flat out on the sidewalk kicking and crying and SCREAMING so hatefully at me. I just watched. Then I told her if she didn’t get in the car she wouldn’t be allowed a piece of Easter candy when we got home. And I started counting. One! Two! At which point, she launched herself into the car, complying but still outraged, the bag of Goldfish still in her angry hands. As I was trying to buckle her squirming self into her carseat, I ripped the bag of Goldfish OUT of her hands which just sent her into the stratosphere. Her limbs began flailing wildly, in incomprehensible directions, fueled by this renewed sense of injustice. And that’s when she did it.

She looked right at my face, drew back her tiny fist, and popped me in the nose.

Guys…it REALLY hurt.

**This is the point in my parenting career where I realize that I am really committed to NOT hitting my children. Good to know.**

Instead, I slammed the car door shut and walked around the car approximately eight times, trying not to cry. Checking for blood. Wrapping my brain around what had just happened.

Then I reopened the car door, announced to the beast that she was now indeed in very VERY big trouble, buckled her into her car seat, turned the car radio WAY up, and drove home. She continued to cry from the backseat until she passed out.

In the driveway, waiting for her to wake up, I had this text exchange with my husband.

- [Daughter] just punched me in my already painful nose. Thoughts on an appropriate punishment?
- Punch back?
- Almost did.
- How is your nose?
- It fucking hurts.
- Oh sweetie…sorry.
- It was totally on purpose. Now of course she’s passed out. Not sure if a punishment will register so far after the fact. Also, I took a Motrin for my nose BEFORE she punched me.
- Do you still want to go out?
- Yes!

(We had dinner plans that night which were desperately needed and, thankfully, remained in place.)

When she woke up, she was denied a treat while her older brother enjoyed his. He loved that! And I googled “What does a broken nose feel like?”

Though the reports of pain level vary greatly, they ALL mention copious amounts of blood. I had none. So I deduced that it wasn’t broken. Thank you, Dr. Google.

I placed a bag of frozen edamame on the bridge of my nose to help with the pain. But I had nothing to place on my spirits, which hurt almost as much.

It was just a little shocking. How MAD she was at me. And how mad I was at HER.

And it left me with a question. I’ve never punished my children for having a tantrum. I’ve always thought that the behaviour would change once my child realized that it was ineffective. In other words, they don’t get what they’re after a few times and realize it’s too much effort for not enough pay off. But this tantrum was so off the charts, I wondered if I should have put a consequence in place. What do you think?

I’m actually hoping I don’t have much cause for this advice but…Daughter is a pistol.

Posted in motherhood | Tagged , , , , , | 38 Comments

Late Bloomer

Posted on April 27, 2012 by

image source

The other day I saw an attractive young woman on the street and had this thought:

Ah! You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Because I was coming from therapy and my brain was working overtime, this is the conversation (in my head) that ensued  -

That’s a stupid thing to say.

What do you mean?

It’s stupid.

It’s not just me. A lot of people say that, right? It’s like…a saying. I didn’t make it up!

Regardless, It’s dumb. No matter how old you are, you ALWAYS have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Huh.

Am I right?

Technically. Don’t gloat. It’s so unbecoming. (pause) Why do you think we say that, though?

I think we have this idea that whatever one is going to achieve in one’s life is determined by what they achieve in their youth. That maybe (hopefully) one will enjoy a continuum of accomplishments into later life but that those achievements probably won’t surpass those of our younger days.

I do have that idea. Because it’s true. Isn’t it?

You’ve never heard of a “late bloomer?”

Well, yeah. But how many of them exist, really.

If you’d read that Wikipedia link I just gave you, there are kind of a lot. Especially writers. One lady published her first novel in her 70s. **

Cool.

(pause)

Maybe this is why I felt so stressed out about needing to reach a “certain point” in my career before having kids. I must have thought that, if it hadn’t happened by then, it wasn’t going to happen…ever.

Could be.

I thought, by the time I had kids, I had to have everything figured out, everything nailed into place. I would continue on whatever track I managed to set up in time, but I’d stop growing. And changing. Did I think that was reserved for younger people, I guess?

Don’t ask me.

I wonder where I got that idea. Did I make it up? Is it cultural? Do other people share it? If so, are they all women or do guys feel this way, too?

I don’t have any of those answers.

This is some deep shit.

I agree. I could use a cupcake.

Me. Too.

**I got that picture of Mary Wesley from this article which is worth a read if you have a minute. (Some really hateful comments, though!!)

Have your goals for your self changed since having kids? Or, if you don’t have kids, as you’ve gotten older? Do you think your age necessarily limits your options? 

Posted in humor, life | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments

Franco-feel-ia

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

Had you known me in high school, my inner francophile would come as no surprise.

  • I studied French all 4 years of High School and was a proud member of the French Club. (That sounds so geeky. And, of course, it was.)
  • I may have been Edith Piaf’s youngest fan.
  • I put the fun in the Sacrament of Confirmation by choosing a French patron saint. Saint Thérèse of Lisieux.
Saint Therese, the little flower

Tres jolie, n'est ce pas?

My love of all things French never really went away (although I did make room for Italy.) Even in my twenties I was devouring books by and about Simone de Beauvoir, Gertrude Stein and Ernest Hemingway.

I dreamed of going there one day.

And, one day, I did. With my husband.

It must have been November of 2000. We’d been married just over a year and decided to take off for a romantic week in Paris.

It was cold. And grey. But the city was still beautiful. How could it be anything other than beautiful? It was a nice trip but I had a lot on my mind at that time. My husband and I were talking about starting a family. And I was grappling with the disappointment of not being at the point in my career that I’d hoped to be when the whole baby conversation started. I was making some serious mental adjustments that were well worth making, but stressful nonetheless.

So, I tend to think of that vacation as “the one that got away.”

But, this summer, I’ll get the chance to turn that around. Because we’re going back!

I love the fact that this time I will be there WITH the family I could only imagine the last time I walked those streets. Sat on those benches. Gobbled up those pains aux chocolats.

And guess who we’re going with? MacGyver’s mom!

In anticipation of this trip (which is still several months away, gosh darnit!) I have unleashed my inner francophile once more.

Bonjour!

I created this Spotify playlist which is playing loudly in my house 24/7. Especially when I’m cooking or cleaning. It makes me happy.

It’s also appropriate to share music today since it’s Wednesday and this is supposed to be a Food Of Love day. That series kind of slipped by the wayside. But it’ll come back this summer. When I’m in Paris!!

Also, did I mention I’m going to Paris?!?

Vive La France!

Posted in Food of Love | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments

This One’s About My Face.

Posted on April 19, 2012 by

This is Rosacea Awareness Month. I’m joining Erin and Holly, the dream team at MamaDrama Consulting, in their Faces of Rosacea awareness campaign.

What’s rosacea, you say?

Funny you should ask.

… rosacea is a chronic, inflammatory skin condition that causes persistent facial redness, blemishes and bumps. Although rosacea can affect anyone, people over age 30 with fair skin and a family history are most at risk.

I discovered I had rosacea way back in 1996.

If you were in NYC in the winter of 1996 you probably remember one thing. Snow. It was everywhere. At that time, I had never seen anything like it. (Although 2010 brought it all back again!) There were people cross-country skiing in Times Square! It was bizarre and surreal and thrilling to witness. This storm was kicking the city’s ass!

The media was beside itself!

They actually had something to cover that was extraordinary and not completely depressing or divisive!

My two roommates and I lived in a squalid 2nd floor walk up apartment on 33rd and 3rd and I worked in the box office of a theatre in Times Square. I walked to work every day. It was cheap, good exercise, and hey…I was young and I didn’t have kids or a husband…in short, I had all the time in the world.

That winter, the challenge of getting around all the snow and the camaraderie between all the “rude New Yorkers” assisting fellow pedestrians made my walk to work all the more entertaining.

The extreme weather, however, brought on my first bout with rosacea.

At first I thought it was wind burn (makes sense!) but then I broke out in a pimply rash which was alternately itchy and then quite painful. I tried to cover it with makeup. Big mistake. Never do that! It made it worse.

I grew increasingly concerned. My livelihood as an actress depended on my appearance. I worried about what my boyfriend would think and whether or not it could possibly be contagious?!? Frankly, if I had been a typical actress in my 20s with no health insurance, I probably would have let it go on much much longer (because that’s how I handle medical issues.)

Of course there was no reason to drag it out like that. If I had ever even heard of rosacea, I would have known instantly that that was what I had. But I didn’t know. Thankfully, the combination of a decent health plan and my vanity got me into a dermatologists office. And I lived happily ever after.

Until this past October, when it reared it’s ugly head again. This time the trigger was my newfound love. Running. Anything that increases blood flow to the face (red wine, caffeine, sex – all the good stuff) exacerbates this condition. In short, it can be a real bummer.

But it’s 100% manageable.

There are a lot of scary and mysterious “conditions” out there. Rosacea isn’t one of them. If you think you might have it, see your dermatologist.

Here’s what Cynthia Nixon wants you to know.

I also love this quote from her interview with Shape.com.

“My triggers are things like spicy foods, red wine, and hot baths. Now, I don’t never do them, but if I have a shoot or an appearance coming up, I certainly avoid them the night before.”

Knowledge is power.

For more information, visit the Rosacea Facts web site.

Join the Rosacea Facts Facebook page.

If you think you might be one of those 16 million people with rosacea, take their quick and easy quiz. If not, you probably know someone who does and you might be able to help them figure it out. They will be so grateful they may take you out for a glass of (white) wine to say “thanks.

Disclosure: This post enters me into the running to be a RosaceaFacts Ambassador, sponsored by Galderma Laboratories, L.P.

Posted in life | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

The Entirely True Adventures of a SAHM on Spring Break

Posted on April 16, 2012 by

Ah, Spring Break. Once upon a time it meant this

original image source

Now it means this

original image source

But not this year. I’m in a production of Merry Wives so, this year, my husband did the trip to Florida with the kids to see his parents SOLO. Which means I was here in Brooklyn. SOLO.

I have always had a strong solitary streak in me which, frankly, was utterly violated by having children. The trade off is worth it. But it was nice to get back in touch with that side of me. For a little while.

Here’s my itinerary.

Tuesday 4/10

  • 7:30am drop husband and kids off at LaGuardia WAY too early because the anticipated traffic didn’t materialize. Unheard of. Get lost going home. Don’t care. I have no commitments until rehearsal at 7pm.
  • 8:45am – 10:50am catch up on blogs and go for a brisk walk.
  • 11am wash dishes. (Jealous, yet?)
  • 11:30am get the call from my husband that they have landed safely.
  • 12:00pm start Friday Night Lights marathon while eating a salad for lunch.
  • 3pm take a shower (why rush, I say!?!)
  • 3:30pm resume FNL marathon
  • 6:30pm – 10:30pm rehearsal
  • 10:30pm – 1:30pm have a glass of wine and finish the final season of FNL crying my eyes out the whole way.

Wednesday 4/11

  • 10:46am wake up. Realize my eyes are swollen beyond recognition from crying. (Hmmm. Hope I can get my contacts in tonight.) Chug a cup of coffee and down a bowl of cereal to be on time for therapy.
  • 12pm – 12:45pm therapy wherein I cry even more (Goddammit how am I going to get contacts in my eyes tonight!!!)
  • 1:30pm come home and put frozen edamame package on my eyes to reduce swelling. (It works!)
  • 1:45 – 3:30 read and comment on blogs. Start a new post.
  • 3:30 – 6:30 ????
  • 6:30 – 10:30 rehearsal
  • 10:30 – 12:30 watch Season 3, Episode 1 of Mad Men on Netflix. Finish and publish a blog post.

Thursday 4/12

  • 9:18am wake up. coffee. breakfast. general lounging.
  • 10:30 – 12:30 organize the playroom. get rid of toys the kids never use but I can’t dispose of in their presence.
  • 1pm do ONE load of laundry that consists of only my clothing.
  • 2pm regard dishes in sink and make mental note that even when it’s just me I can’t (or don’t) keep up with the dishes. decide to do them later. maybe.
  • ***totally lose track of time reading blogs. keep getting distracted by the INCREDIBLY loud dripping faucet in the bathroom sink. Good God! Is it always that loud or is it just because the house is so quiet. Huh. The house is REALLY quiet, isn’t it?
  • ***contemplate changes on the horizon (possible future post.) alternate between feeling ready for something new and feeling sad about the loss. start to wallow. recognize that if my family were here I wouldn’t have the luxury of wallowing and that, overall, that’s a very good thing.
  • 6:15pm take the garbage out, which I never do. I think the world almost ended at that moment.
  • 6:30 – 10:30 Final dress rehearsal (here’s a pic from it.)

photo by Daniella Zalcman

  • 10:30pm instead of going out for adult beverages with the cast, I come home to drink a glass of wine, by myself, and start Amy Wilson’s book “When Did I Get Like This?” which is really funny (another possible future post.)

Friday 4/13

  • 8:45am wake up and smile because my family is coming home today.
  • coffee. breakfast. go to Fairway so there’s food in the house for my probably hungry travelers.
  • Notice all the exhausted parents at Fairway WITH their children because there’s no school. Feel soooooo ready to hug those little bodies again.
  • rush home.
  • put groceries away.
  • pack up some mozzarella and baguette for the kids and hubs to nosh on in the car.
  • drive to LaGuardia where we are all reunited and it feels so good :)

A note: I am so impressed with my husband I can’t stand it. If I were flying alone with both kids I would have probably made a pretty big deal over it. He made it look like a cinch. Mad props!

Have you had any extended solo time lately? What did you do?

Posted in humor | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments